


The History of the Celestial World Through the Eyes of A Paranoid Shut-In

by frumious_bandersnatch



Series: Supernatural Codas and Fix-Its [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel and Balthazar used to be an Item, Depression, Gen, Isolation, Jack is a good god, agoraphobia- kinda?, tw: mentioned self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:33:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29641686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frumious_bandersnatch/pseuds/frumious_bandersnatch
Summary: Faking one’s own death twice in order to evade hardship is enough to take a toll on anything’s mental health. Cloistered away, forgotten, only knowing goings-on through the tendrils of his grace, until suddenly-Somebody knows. And cares. And helps.
Relationships: Castiel & Balthazar, Jack Kline & Balthazar
Series: Supernatural Codas and Fix-Its [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2178048
Comments: 6
Kudos: 12





	The History of the Celestial World Through the Eyes of A Paranoid Shut-In

He should have been ashamed. He had been, of course, he had been for years. Isolated and cloistered away and quite literally dead to the world. Forgotten, hopefully.

Same mansion he’d first warded against everything he could possibly bloody think of- now with more warding.

So much so that it began to sting, to cut into his grace and burn him slowly. Safe and in pain was better than unsafe, or captured, and dead. 

Balthazar would never die. It scared him, angels weren’t meant to die, and yet, and yet so many of his garrison had. Uriel and Zachariah and Anna and Akobel… and Castiel, a few times. A few times. Father was choosing out favorites again, and  _ that  _ always went well.

An explosion of light and- was there nothing? Where would it all go, when it finally snuffed out?

He felt Raphael burn out. He mourned. He felt them all fall, and he wept, and tore at his wings and maybe it was the wards that kept him safe and mostly whole.

His wings were fucked, anyways. He couldn’t bring himself to take care of them, take care of himself. If it wasn’t another angel doing the grooming or sharing his nest or talking to him, what was the point?

He couldn’t risk contact with anyone, anything else. Safer inside, always safer inside.

Alone and warded and talking to himself and mourning them all because he felt it- always felt it, when that light ebbed.

He lit candles. He paid penance. He self flagellated and he didn’t know what else to do to grieve. 

He didn’t think angels were supposed to cry. Until it felt like his vessel had swallowed razor blades and poison and its stomach was in knots and each tear felt like pinpricks of acid.

He missed his brothers. Missed Heaven, before the wars, before they were regimented, before he was a soldier of great renown for the honor of having killed so many. Fallen and broken and burned and hewn into by his blade.

He wanted to die, himself, but he couldn’t bring himself to.

He listened to angel radio. Heard them call everyone up to heaven because it was failing. Heard Lucifer, free of the cage.

...He mourned him, too, when he felt that light disappear. Brightest of them all. What a joke.

He felt the nephilim, out there. Shining as beautiful as anything, when he closed his eyes and focused on the feeling of that new and strange grace.

That faded, too. Then came back in full force. And faded again.

Balthazar felt Castiel die and he stared at his angel blade and fully considered offing himself too, finally.

Who else was there? Naomi, Hannah, maybe… 

So few. He could count them on one hand.

He felt God. He didn’t care, why would Balthazar care about the Father that abandoned them? That… ended the world. That snuffed every other life.

And Balthazar persisted. Hidden away. Aching. Truly forgotten, maybe it was the wards, maybe he was so truly insignificant that he’d escaped notice. It wasn't fair.

It hadn’t been fair, he thought, since before the Beginning.

Light, again, and Lucifer, again, for all of five minutes, and he couldn’t bring himself to mourn, or bring himself to breath, or bring himself to do anything more than curl ever tighter into his nest and his isolation and to lazily scratch out sigils on the hardwood floor beneath him.

They burned. They all burned, and he was safe.

Months. Nothing. He felt light and life return and it rang empty. He felt a change in the way Everything felt. 

A new God? Perhaps. He didn’t know, didn’t care, didn’t tune in to the angels. He felt some of their lights return to the world. The good ones, the diligent and the loyal and the kind.

Castiel.

He heard the front door the the mansion creak open as if it didn’t have ten deadbolts, seven of which were enchanted. Steps on the stairs, down to his room, his nest, should have been stopped and held by the traps inlaid in the wood. The blessings, the circles, the salt and holy water and holy oil and Solomon’s keys and…

Door opening. Light. Fading in among the blankets and pillows and broken, molted feathers and bleeding vessel because the wards burned, burned, burned.

He was going to die. He was going to be snuffed out and his light would disappear and his wings would burn into the floor and all he could do was tug his knees tighter into his chest and whimper.

“Hello! Are you… alright?”

_ So bright _ .

“When he told me to- bring you back, I was a little worried when I couldn’t. But you’re still alive! That’s good. You look- hurt. Would you like me to help?”

_ Not his Father _ .

“Your wings… I’m going to help. I’m going to- touch you, now, is that alright?”

_ Warm and light and love, love he’d never felt from something so bright and powerful, he didn’t burn. He didn’t burn. He didn’t burn. _

“You’re alright. You’ll be okay- he… really misses you. You know. Castiel.”

Balthazar jerked weakly, and Jack frowned, smoothing his fingers through feathers made glossy and whole. 

He saw all. He was all. But he was going to do things better. He was going to be kind. It was an absent God that messed everything up in the first place, he wouldn’t do that.

“I know he tried to kill you.” He swallowed. “But- he’s very sorry. And he says- wants to see you again, and since I can help, I will. Rebuild heaven. Try and fix everything He…” Jack sighed. “Can you get up?”

Balthazar said nothing for a few seconds. And then he forced himself up, grimacing, and fell with his arms slung around Jack’s shoulders. Wings, long since bound to the terrestrial plane, joining them. Wrapped as tight and hard as possible around this boy, this new god, Balthazar recognized the light now.

Father’s, a little. And that nephilim. Like Lucifer, in the beginning. The nephilim. It… he stiffened, and then slumped, and then hesitantly returned the embrace. Slung his arms around the angel’s waist.

“How long have you been here?” He asked.

Balthazar replied easily, voice shaking. “I don’t know.”

“...Would you like to leave?”

Silence. A muffled sob, face buried in Jack’s chest, fingers digging into the space between his shoulder blades, Balthazar nodded.

He felt it the moment they crossed from Earth and into heaven. The moment he was less weighted down, less tethered, everything threatening to spill out of his vessel in all of its cosmic glory- and disarray and neglect and burnt patches and scars carved in for remembrance…

He tamped himself down. And laid down on the grass, and stared up at the sky. “Whose…”

“I changed it.” Jack admitted, lowering himself to sit down crosslegged on the grass beside the angel. “It’s everyone’s. Angels and humans and… everyone that’s welcome here.” Because he’d made a few exceptions. For when he had to talk to Rowena, because though he didn’t mind meeting in Hell (she had a box of hot chocolate mix- with marshmallows- kept especially for him, which he more than appreciated- but it was nice to shake things up). And he’d brought Crowley back, because while he trusted Hell under Rowena- he knew it, he knew logistics, and seeing that… little family, trying to sort things out and  _ be better _ made him feel like he was doing things right.

“Cas… Cassie’s here, he’s back, you said?” Balthazar whispered.

“Would you like to see him?”

Balthazar frowned, eyes tracing out shapes in the clouds overhead. “No. I do, but… not yet. I’m still- still hurts, I’m still- how long has it been, since I… since he thought I died?”

Jack frowned, for a moment. “Nine, ten years, I think? A while.” He nodded sagely. “I get it. I can leave you be for a while, if you’d like! There’s a field of wildflowers,” He shifted up a little, pointed, “About a mile or… a mile or two that way. I know Castiel likes watching bees, and walking through them-“ He paused, “He doesn’t go to that one, you don’t need to worry, but I was wondering if maybe, you like to do those things too?”

Balthazar smiled. Small and timid, but there. “You remind me an awful lot of him, you know. Are you sure Lucifer sired you?”

“Yes, I’m sure. But I have gotten that question a few times.” Jack said, with all the seriousness in the world, and Balthazar managed a chuckle. 

“...If I- are you going to leave? If you’re the new god, once you have it all… figured out. Are you going to leave us?”

Jack shook his head, and held Balthazar’s gaze.

“I think… I’m going to go down, and walk through that field, for a little while. If that’s alright.”

Jack smiled, kindly. “Of course. Call me if you need anything. When you’re ready.”

The flowers were beautiful, of course. Balthazar was ever so careful not to trample them, when he finally made his way there- he’d walked, the whole way, gotten used to moving and being, again.

But it was hard to resist leaving the vessel and stretching out, all the wings and the fire and the faces exposed fully to heaven. To where he’d been made for.

And, lighter than air, he laid down among the blossoms, and stared at the sky.

It was better than any of the luxury he’d made for himself on earth, by far.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what ya’ll think! I don’t know where I was going with this, but I enjoyed it, and I promise I’ll do a happy little reunion at some point.
> 
> (Also @ADeedWithoutaName if you happen to read this I had the idea before we introduced sad boy!Balthazar in our rp I Promise)


End file.
